By Cindi McMenamin, Crosswalk.com
There are certain things about you that your husband finds irresistible.
He probably won’t brag about them to his friends. And he’s not about to make a gushy post about it on Facebook. In fact, most husbands would prefer to keep this list a secret. Not only are these things difficult to admit, but they’re difficult for them to request, as well.
Therefore, I thought you should know.
As I was writing my book, When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, I asked a wide sampling of husbands married anywhere from 10 to 60 years to tell me what it is they love most about their wives, but have difficulty communicating. And their answers were pretty much the same. So if you find yourself in these scenarios, ponder it in your heart and play it up in his life. Just don’t let on that you know.
1. You affirm him. One of the top things your husband finds most attractive (and lovable) about you is that you were at one time (and hopefully still are) attracted to him. A man wants to be around a woman who makes him feel like he’s winning.
When a wife tells her husband how proud she is of him, how much his hard work has paid off, how much he’s appreciated by his family, and that there’s no one else like him, it says to him that he is cutting it not only as a man, but as a husband. Let him know he’s still hot, he can still get your heart racing, he’s a great provider, he is great at what he does – whatever it is that you can compliment him on. And mean it. A woman who sings his praises is a woman he’ll come after…so he can hear more!
2. You’re a mystery. Men still love a challenge, they just don’t want things too complicated. One husband told me, “One of the most profound things that continues to attract me is that my wife is an unsolvable intrigue – I can’t predict how she will be feeling or react as it depends on what she is experiencing and feeling in many areas of her life and relationships. This challenges me to search how I can be the type of husband to help meet a portion of her emotional needs. This unpredictability, while burdensome at times, actually challenges me at the deepest level of the relationship to pursue her as a love interest.”
When you become a mystery to your husband, there are things about you that he still wants to know, things you’re thinking that he’d like for you to divulge, secrets in your soul that he’ll be challenged to draw out. Be to him a treasure chest full of secrets he’s dying to unlock!
3. Your walk with God. Maya Angelou once said, “A woman’s heart should be so lost in God that her husband has to seek Him in order to find her.” I’ve seen men marvel at the depth of their wives’ relationship with God. They, at times, wonder if they can ever get that personal with God. It’s your ability to be relational, to go below the surface, to put your whole heart into a relationship that intrigues him. When you have an intimate devotional life with Christ, and are controlled by His Spirit, your life will produce the fruits of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). What man doesn’t want to chase after a woman who is truly joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and – they love this one the best – self-controlled!
4. Your confident glow. What is the opposite of high maintenance? A confident woman who knows who she is and where she’s going. Chances are your husband once found in you a confidence that attracted him to you. So, regardless of how you might feel about your weight, body shape, big knees, small chest, cellulite, spider veins or whatever, get over it. He has. Honestly, he doesn’t see all the body flaws you think are so very obvious. He doesn’t analyze or critique your body nearly as much as you do. In fact, male eyes are pretty forgiving and “blind” when it comes to your physical (and often over-exaggerated) flaws. When you express confidence in your speech, your walk, your body, your mannerisms, and your relationship with him, he finds that attractive.
5. Your initiative. It was surprising to me how many husbands told me their wives were the ones who first initiated the relationship. Then years later, their wives suddenly expected their husbands to start doing the initiating. Men, inherently, have a fear of rejection, which often continues even after marriage. So a wife’s initiation well after marriage makes a husband feel loved, pursued, and confident. Initiate a hug. Initiate a back rub. Initiate lovemaking. Chances are, he recognizes that he still needs that extra push.
6. Your ability to flirt. Remember what I said about a man’s fear of rejection? He loves that you have the confidence – and initiative – to flirt with him, even when he’s forgotten how. Flirting is not talking about what the two of you need to do around the house. It’s more like reminding him of something you admire in him or telling him he’s great at something (which goes back to how he loves that you affirm him). It’s a lot like being the cheerleader again and seeing him as the football star. Husbands love that ego boost – especially from their wives – but will rarely admit it.
7. Your positive attitude. Your husband loves a positive attitude. But he’s not likely to confront you when you’re being negative. Dan said what he finds most attractive about his wife, Debbie, is “her mood and demeanor are almost always pleasant and positive. I can always count on a smile or kind word. I never ever worry about what kind of mood she is in.” When a man can count on a smile or kind word when he walks through the front door, he’ll anticipate his homecoming a lot more. One man said: “My wife is very nice and gracious and loving toward others. She always has a nice answer for people and never talks negatively about anyone. She’s soft…and she rarely hurts anyone with her words or actions.” Positive people are enjoyable to be around. If you’re pleasant, he’ll generally want to be in your company
8. Your partnership. While your husband has interests that are different than yours and certainly needs his guy time, he loves when his wife joins him in his passion once in awhile. My friend, Michelle, found that she began to be more interesting – and more of a pursuit -- to her husband when she adopted his interest in working out.
“I was complaining to my husband that I was tired, bored, and didn’t have time to exercise. He told me that the kids were always going to take my time, but that I was the only one who could make working out a priority. I started to listen. I made time for my workouts a priority. I made the kids ride their bikes, while I started running. Now, years later, I’m not the nagging, tired, old wife. I am the new wife, with a cute body, and more interesting things to talk about. We talk about workouts, nutrition, and even exercise together. It has really ignited a new passion within our marriage. I can’t keep up with my husband, but the fact that I try endears me to his heart and makes things more interesting.”
9. Your dependability. In a world where one in two marriages end in divorce , your dependability, steadfastness, and commitment to your husband is something he values more than you know. One husband told me “My wife is committed to me. She hasn’t ever considered that we wouldn’t solve a problem together. That is very attractive. That is something I need. And that’s another thing I love about her.”
10. Your differences. It’s been said a woman marries a man to change him but a man marries a woman hoping she’ll never change. It’s true. The last thing a husband wants is for his wife to change. He likes the way you’re different from him and the way you balance him out.
Steve, married just over 10 years, summed up what I’ve heard so many husbands say about their wives through the years: He said “I find her differences attractive.”
“All the things that I find attractive about my wife stem from one thing: her ability to do things I can’t do,” Steve said. “I rely on her a lot to help me be a more functional person and as I get older, I better understand what I am pathetic at and what I need her to help me with. So, her ability to do things like shop for people, remember birthdays, cook, dress herself and me well, make the house a home, smooth over social situations where I put my foot in my mouth, meet people at parties, keep in touch with friends – those are functional things that she can do and I can’t.”
As you exude the confidence that comes from being a woman – as unique and as different as you are, it is one of the things that makes you truly attractive – and enticing – to your man.
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 15 books including When Women Walk Alone (more than 120,000 copies sold), When Couples Walk Together, which she co-authored with her husband, Hugh, and When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, upon which this article is based. Cindi and her husband have been married 27 years and have a grown daughter. For more on her ministry, books or free resources to strengthen your soul, marriage, or parenting, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.
Publication date: October 1, 2015